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August 23rd, 2009

01:31 am - The Road to Progress is Long and S L O W So I may have been a bit hasty with my previous post. Despite the interview being for a job I didnt really want I am still kinda bummed that it didnt go so well. The interview wasn't bad, I just felt a little out of my depth. Along with the fact that the interviewer just read the questions off a sheet (lazy interview technique methinks) I just never felt a friendly connection there and the whole thing was slightly awkward. Anyway so I spent yet another day sat in my room playing stupid games on facebook. My life officially sucks. I have reached a completly new level of rubbish. I hate it all. Grrr. I may joke but in all seriousness- it is depressing and demoralising and really fucking awful! I know so many people who are experiencing the same thing and all I can see are intelligent, fantastic and amazing people who are floating around on the unemployment radar or working in demeaning, menial jobs for pittance. It's utterly ridiculous. Fuck it.

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August 21st, 2009

12:24 am - Times 'a' changing So things are e v e n t u a l l y looking up. It took long enough! After hitting what has to be my lowest point last week (basically feeling useless and unemployable) I have turned a corner. I got a job interview yesterday for La Senza as an assistant manager and while this is not the job I really wanted (in fact nowhere near) it's at least a meal ticket. Only one problem. If Arun gets a 9-5 and I get this job and I have to work weekends I will NEVER SEE HIM. Excuse me for going all 'whiny girlfriend' but its soooooooo unfair. At least I might be paid a decent wage though and the job is only temporary till christmas. Still 'whiiiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeee'. Ok whine over. So apart from that Gary has returned from China so I shall no longer be mrs bored of bored town. Although if I get this job I'll have stuff to do instead of sitting on my arse all day. My other friend Chris (red) was mugged last friday which sucks. He's ok but I think it is very scary. Anyway this is the end of my life update as you can see- not much to tell. Current Mood: hopeful

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August 4th, 2009

04:10 am - Ummm..my dog ate my.... I am feeling lazy. Lazy Lazy Lazy. I'm getting next to nowhere on the job front and the more I hear NOTHING from those I have applied to the more I feel useless and LAZY. It is not good for me. I want to be busy. All I have done for the past week and a half is watch TV, surf the net, Drink and eat and sleep. I have no contributions to make to the world. I could tell you what happens in Desperate Housewives. I have become an expert on dining etiquette (thanks to Come dine with me) but apart from those services (which can be gotten elsewhere) I have no contributions to make to anything. Ever. *Yawn* Current Mood: lazy Current Music: Neyo

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July 22nd, 2009

08:47 pm - Dim Dim Dim So I am completely dim! I dont have cancer and thus I was freaking out for no reason BUT I finally got to see a doctor without being completely afraid so BIG step forward for me! :) Anyway irrational mini- drama aside, I am still unemployed and really finding it boring and repetative looking for jobs. I am, by all accounts, not the only one but still it feels so ridiculously hopeless. This week has actually been ok, despite this annoying unemployed thing. I have spent time with old friends Sarah and Lisa and it's strange how much I actually miss them. We were inseperable for a long time during school and now it feels good to have girly chats again. I have WAY too many guy friends. I am also dim because I managed to completely miss the fact that my friend Ian is engaged and has been since MARCH! How did I no know? He cant understand it either. Granted we havn'nt seen each other for nearly a year and a half but I should have seen it on facebook!!!!!! I am stupid! Nothing much else happening really except I got a new mattress and found out that I have had money in my lloyds account since september 08 and have not realised. (Might I add a substantial amount of money for someone in my position) So yey for me :) Current Mood: bored

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July 20th, 2009

11:07 pm - Impending doctors appointment.... So tomorrow I have a doctors appointment. Not a big deal you might say but I am literally TERRIFIED! I hate going to the doctors anyway but to actually have something wrong with me enough that I want to go is even scarier. Arun says it will be fine but I cant help thinking the worst. Whenever I'm ill the word CANCER is everywhere. What if I have it? What if its incurable? What will I do? If I think about it rationally then in all honesty if both of those cases are true there is nothing I can do. If only the first is true then there are many options of treatment available. If neither are true then I have spent the last few weeks freaking out for no reason. I think what scares me most is that this 'problem' I've had is a reoccuring thing and I really should have sorted it out ages ago. If it is the worst case scenario then I have brought it on myself. I could have dealt with it sooner but my fear got the better of me! I'm scared because it could be my fault. I think thats the worst thing. Current Mood: scared

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July 7th, 2009

01:42 am - The king is dead On a totally seperate note- Michael Jackson is dead! I found out at Glastonbury. Not entirely sure how i feel about it. He was a great entertainer and a musical genius. He was also lost and confused and sad. Really sad.

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12:31 am - Fast forward 8 months So here I am. It's July 7th, roughly a year since I graduated from University. It has been an eventful year but I still feel that I have taken a step backwards. I'm back here living in the same place, with my parents, working a job I hate and barely seeing my boyfriend. I quit the job. I'm trying to quit the parents (well living with them at least) and ultimately I am planning to take one giant leap into the life I actually want. Anyway enough of this deep shit. What have I done since November that could possibly be of any interest? Well I completed my internship with the Red Cross. It was fantastic and if only they paid me I would have possibly stayed forever. Sadly I could not live on nothing and subsequently I went to manage the local pub! Doh! What a shit job that was. Never mind I quit and now I am jobless. So, unemployed bum until I find what I want which is a nice flat in london with my boyfriend and my best friend, a very large paycheck every month while I do the Job I actually want to do! Ha ha ha not too sure how likely that will be but I'll give it a go! Went to Glastonbury this year- strangely enough I wasnt dreading it and I had a really great time. I believe it had something to do with Arun. For some reason he calmed me down and all my stupid worries jsut dissapeared. Plus he didnt get drunk or high or argumentative he was happy and calm and relaxed and we had a fab time. Also we saw the Boss and I feel that that might have had something to do with it ha ha ha Things with Arun have been up and down but recently they have settled into something comfortable but still amazing. I love him. More than I have ever loved anyone, including Paul. It's taken a while for me to realise but Paul and I were never really going to last. I will defend him to the end, dont get me wrong, but in terms of him and I, we were always suited to a friendship rather than a relationship. Arun on the other hand has always been the one. I know I'm gushing slightly here but it's true. It was always him, from the moment we met I knew it. I just didnt realise it. I get the feeling recently that Arun has had some kind of realisation also. I dont doubt that he has always loved me but I felt that he didnt quite know what he wanted. Being with Paul and fooling around with Mark and Chris and Darren and the others has really made me realise what I want from life. While I was sure I felt Arun wasn't, but he has accelerated our plans to move in and I really feel that it's what he genuinely wants. So in a rather long winded nutshell- I am happy and optomistic. If not a little lonely- Gary is in China :( despite the fact that I dont see him that often it's still weird to think that he's in China. Also I'm a little jealous, he's still travelling and living the exciting university life, i miss it. Anyway, enough now. Life all in all, is good. By the way I am typing this lovely little essay on my brand spanking new laptop! Yey for me. My poor poor original now lies with a good friend of mine, probably in pieces. It served me well and I will miss it but I just couldnt cope with it screaming at me every time I turned it on. Current Location: My bedroom Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: The Boss!

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November 5th, 2008

11:07 pm - Obama-rama It's very difficult not to be swept along in the post election excitement, but today I woke up feeling good. Today has marked a change in America whether you like Obama or not. Today America has made a statement to the world. I do genuinely believe this, despite the ugly side of this election. The assasination attempts, the racist remarks. So untrue they were that even McCain was forced to put a stop to the 'Obama bating' at his own convention. I sincerely hope that this change in America's present and future does not fade into the history books. I hope that That Obama's speeches do not become like so many others, merely quoted and misquoted without meaning. I hope he is not simply a stagnant figurehead. I hope he rises to this challenge and I really hope that he does open a few eyes in America. I hope that the racists and the bigots see that there is no place for those outdated views in this world anymore and if America can elect a black president then anything is possible. Current Mood: impressed

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October 29th, 2008

11:17 pm - Snow on the ground in October Whenever the weather is bleak you get people complaining. Rain and snow bring doom and gloom, yet I think all the best holidays are in winter. Halloween, Bonfire night, Christmas! I love all of these holidays and so I smile throughout winter. I even smiled wen my train pulled into basingstoke and there was snow on the ground! SNOW! I love snow! I guess the real source of my good mood is the fact that I have finally found my perfect job. Well almost. Let's just say I have a really good feeling that this is certainly the direction I want to be going in with my career. It's fantastic. I love it so much. I really feel like I was never born to work for someone else's pocket. In a strictly capitalistic way. I mean of course charity goes into someones pocket but its a good pocket, one that needs it. Working for the Red Cross fufills everything I want in a job, people, travelling, doing something good and worthwhile. Now if I could only get them to pay me i'll be well away! :) Current Mood: grateful

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August 30th, 2008

06:00 am - In love. A friend of mine told me today that if you dream about something enough, the reality can let you down. Is this true? Is Arun sat at home wondering why I’m not everything he dreamed I would be? Despite the fact that I have known him for two years now we still seem to be going through a honeymoon period in our relationship. Don’t get me wrong this is good, except the fact that I am not afraid to argue with him. I was always afraid with Paul. Afraid of losing him to a silly argument. With Arun it’s different, I don’t feel like I’m going to lose him so much because in a strange way, even if we don’t work out, I know he’ll be there. Despite all this I am becoming insanely jealous of any girl he spends time with. I don’t know what’s got into me. I was never an overly jealous person with Paul. Don’t get me wrong I often felt the green eyed monster rising up whenever Paul talked excessively about a girl he knew, but this is different. Even when I was friends with Arun I was jealous of anyone he dated or might have dated. I Hated his fling with Erica. I hated him getting close to any girl and I honestly cant for the life of me tell you why except that I love him. I plain and simple love him. I know I say that about a lot of people, but I think I may have always been in love with him. I just never faced it. Plus the sex is HOT! How the hell did that happen? Ciao Current Location: My bed Current Mood: loved Current Music: John Legend- Ordinary people

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July 30th, 2008

03:52 am - Now I take the plunge... I have done soemthing so very exciting that I had to tell someone right now. I have just completed an application form to work for the Red Cross on one of their internships. ((queue excited squealing and jumping around)) I am adament that this is what I want to do, work for a charity. This internship is in Poole in Dorset (right near my nans house) and I would be working with young people promoting the red cross. It would be so awesome if I got it! I know it doesnt pay and I am supposed to be saving money for America BUT I figured I could live (rent free of course) with my nan and then get a part time bar job or something and carry on saving while I work. It would jsut be such an incredible opportunity and it would really give me some valuable experience that would look awesome on my CV. Yey! Current Location: My cosy bed Current Mood: excited Current Music: ABBA

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July 9th, 2008

03:20 am - New leaves? New Branches! So I got to thinking about my self- loathing regarding certain parts of my body! Why not change it? But seriously change it. Not just say- yes I'll change. Actually change it. So here goes: I am 5.4 I weigh: 12 stone give or take a few pounds. My target weight is: 9-10 stone. So here I go. Wish me luck! Current Mood: determined

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02:00 am - That's just wonderful! I have just finished watching a television programme regarding digital retouching in fashion magazines etc. It was actually a fascinating programme. I fall into the category of women that buy and read, obsessively, magazines containing photos that have been altered, retouched and digitally mastered. I'm not naive. I realise that these images are not always real, but I never imagined the extent to which they do this. It's unbelievable. I hate the way I look jsut as much as the next womanand it makes me sad that I'm being conned to believe that this ideal is reality and can be achieved. The programme interviewed several different people including a class of very young children. An 8 year old believed that a size 14 was huge! Now I feel like a fucking BLIMP! Jesus this world is fucked up! Current Mood: infuriated

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July 4th, 2008

12:36 am - What should I feel? What should I feel? Love? Lust? Disdain for someone I have cried over numerous times? But, what if we had never met? What if we had never laughed? What if we had never shared those moments, captured by screen, yearned for by so many? Would I still like you? See you? Kiss you? Would I go back to what I was? Repeat my same mistakes? Perhaps. Is it worth it? Always.

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June 12th, 2008

09:01 pm - The END! So much has happened I cant even begin to write it down, but, today marks a very horrible day in my diary. Today it hit me that I am leaving University and will probably not see this place much again. The brown man left today. It made me sad :( Rachel left yesterday it made me sad. Jane is in Paris but will be leaving for good soon. It makes me sad. And leaving Joe might be the hardest thing i will ever do! Joe has been by my side throughout my entire university career. I dont think i've ever spent so much time with someone. I hate this. Yuck! Current Mood: crappy

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May 23rd, 2008

03:01 am - I rise to the top....like cream. My little picture up there to the left pretty much sums up my life at the moment. For once I cannot find a single thing to complain (legitimately) about. The rest of my friends and 'peers' are currently tanked up on revision and exam stress, while I, sail through unnoticed and completely calm. I give thanks to whatever God bestowed this good fortune upon me and granted me that one wish; that my last term at university would be a pleasant and stress free one. Despite my lack of stress, I am still confronted by the stress and problems of everyone else around me, and while I sympathise, I honestly do, I do not relish in the short tempered-ness of my friends. However, I am grateful that I have a job to occupy my time and keep me out of the firing line and I am also thankful that because of said job, I now have money. Yes. That's right. I said I HAVE MONEY! I think that for the first time in my ENTIRE university career, I do not have to worry about money. In fact, I can even spend quite frivolously. Dare I say it, I can...shop! Basically this post was merely to state that at the moment I am feeling rather good about life. Even the thought of leaving university and heading back to dreary old Tadley doesn't get me down. In fact, I am quite thrilled at having the 'world as my oyster' and I intend on starting the rest of my life right now. Bathed in optimism and feeling rather wonderful. On a separate note, even my love life is kicking along quite nicely and for the first time since I was 16 I am a single woman with no ties or expectations upon me. I can do anything (or anyone ;)) and I couldn't be happier. My good mood may be enhanced by the fact that I just spent £38 on underwear, something I have been dying to do since, like, forever. ((sigh)) Life is good! Current Location: Essex Campus Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Valerie, Mark Ronson and Amy Winehouse

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April 30th, 2008

11:51 pm - Can a drunk be a friend? I havn't updated in a while, there hasn't really been a need, along with the fact that I have been insanely busy with my dissertation and what not. Well all of my work is now officially handed in and I am now a (reletively) free woman. Thus I have, if you like, thrown myself into work at Edwards. It's actually growing on me a lot. I like the people, i like the job itself, to be honest I enjoy it a lot. Tonight was one of my nights off so I deacided to accompany Joe, Arun, Chip and Jane to the bar. Jane, Joe and Arun were planning on going to sports fed but Chip and I decided against it seeing as I have no money and neither does he. Well as usual, the bar ended as most nights do these days, with drama and ill feeling and general drunken 'twatishness'. Joe, as always, was being a drunken idiot. He always gets so angry and aggressive when drunk so Arun, who was also drunk, called him up on it (quite rightly) but in the wrong way and it just made them appear to be a pair of drunken idiots. the whole situation turned into a 'fuck you', name calling session and eventually I left. The whole thing is ridiculous and quite frankly I am sick of it. It makes me soooo mad! Grrr. Current Location: Essex Campus Current Mood: angry

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March 12th, 2008

01:48 am - Why dont you stand up for whats important? Essex university recently held its sabbatical elections, there were several weeks of campaigning and voting and fraud...ahem...AHEM...FRAUD!! Thats right! Some 'genius' decided that in order for the students union to remain as it always has, a clique for the so called 'elite' of university life, it was worth risking their entire university career and not to mention a jail sentance!! You know what? I thought world politics was fucked up, but seriously, this is one university, in one city, in one country, in one world!! There is not a lot that this union can or will do, that will drastically change it in anyway. Especially when half the people involved, half of those who actually give a flying shit about the whole thing, wont even be here next year. A friend of mine, a good friend of mine, ran this year. I trust her. Shes smart and funny and she worked hard in college when I knew her and I would bet my life to say she works damm hard in university too, although I dont get to catch up with her as much as i'd like so its hard to know if that statements true. However, being a good friend I listened to her campaign, I trusted her and yea I voted for her because I knew her, BUT also because I knew she would do a good job! End of. When she won I was jubilant, I celebrated with her. I have never, however, been treated in such a manner by those who either didnt win or whose friends didnt win. They bitched and moaned and personally targeted candidates for the way they looked or acted off the political slate. That is not democracy, that is being a spoilt brat because you cant have what you want. I spent most of the original election night listening to someone (who will remain nameless) slag off my friend in the girls bathrooms ALL NIGHT! Crying and screaming and bitching and as rumour would have it, actually attempting to attack her, simply because democracy had worked! It sickens me. There is another friend of mine, one who I often disagree with on the current political changings in the US and usually politics in general but it does not mean that I want to rip her heart out just because she doenst think the way I think, it just means we see things differently and thats fine by me, because without diversity you cant have democracy. Facebook is currently awash with letters and debates, insults and gossip, generally people losing their head because their 'friend' didnt win or because they have narrowed their mind in such a way that thye cant see past these small time politics. Now I am not going to exempt myself from this, but most of student politics is voting for your friend. Would you honestly know that much about these elections if your 'friend' didnt ram it down your throat every day? Probably not. You would probably go back to your room, surf facebook, think about that essay you have to hand in next week and organise the next drinking session with your mates because, afterall, thats what uni life is really like. I'd give my right elbow if the 'average' student actually knew what the hell half these people were banging on about. Politics is a popularity contest hence why the union has remained such a clique for so many years. Suck it up and move on! Current Location: Essex Campus Current Mood: cynical Current Music: Kate nash

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February 23rd, 2008

03:44 pm - The key to success does not lie in drink I feel rough. Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough! Why oh why do I drink sooo much? The night was fun but OH MY GOD!! Current Mood: drunk

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February 10th, 2008

01:14 pm - Things always look better in the morning So it finally looks as though things are looking up. I had a date yesterday which lasted for 19 hours so i'm assuming it went well.... ;) Paul and I are on very good terms which is brilliant. Mark texted me yesterday as he knew I had been single for a month. Made me feel pretty good as I have a feeling hes testing the water and sorry mate but 'that aint never gonna happen'. Darren IS coming to visit me- or at least has said he is, so i have something to look forward to. I have no money but for once i'm not worried about it. I am just feeling generally happy on this (surprisingly warm and sunny) day :) Yey for me :D Current Location: Essex Campus Current Mood: happy

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